Learning the basics of good steak

Why Steak?

Ahh, steak. No food better represents the idea of heart-attack-inducing decadence and uniquely American joie de vivre than a large slab of prime red meat, rare to the point that it’s practically still mooing. But what to order, and where?

USDA Classifications

Cows – let’s take a moment here and feel bad for the cows … okay, we’re done – are divided by classifications. Even though you won’t run into these classifications at a fine restaurant, it’s worth reviewing what they are. The US Department of Agriculture defines beef (other than being meat from a cow) in several ways:

Canner – imagine that Anna Nicole Smith’s last husband was a cow. Except he didn’t have hundreds of millions of dollars. Or Anna Nicole Smith. You know what? This analogy is going absolutely nowhere.
Cutter – can be fed to humans … in low income brackets. Think “7-11 burritos.”
Commercial – it’s OK for use in things where you don’t actually taste the meat.
Standard – the USDA calls this an “acceptable degree of quality.” Mmmm, acceptable.
Select – more fatty than higher grades of meat – technically of lesser quality, but some people prefer this for its higher fat content and resulting tastiness.
Choice – the most commonly available grade of meat due to its mixture of fat and taste with affordability. Typically, “choice” is the highest grade available to individual consumers while “prime” is only available to restaurants (you can buy “prime” in some grocery stores but the best beef of this class is reserved by merchants for restaurant buyers). The good steakhouses stay in business in part from the fact that the hoi pollio can't buy as good a steak in a grocery store as they can't get at a restaurant.
Prime – comes from cattle that is young and “has had careful, intensive feeding.” I don’t know about you, but that pretty much describes me as well. Less than 1% of all beef produced in the United States is classified as “prime” (note that this is not the same as “prime rib”).

Cuts of Beef

Unfortunately for your ventricles, the determining factor in how beef tastes is largely how much fat there is in it. On the positive side, if you’re able to afford really good beef, then you probably have a decent health plan.

Lowest on the cow “totem pole” are ground meats. Hamburger – which my grandparents still call “hamburg steak” – is made of ground beef coming from the tougher parts of a cow that aren’t generally used for solo eating. “Salisbury steak” is hamburger formed into steak-like patties, its name a euphemism devised because of the anti-German feelings in America during World War I. Hot dogs are made from what is oh-so-appetizingly known as “emulsified forcemeat,” which is “a meat-fat-water mixture that has been puréed to within an inch of its life - cut so fast by spinning blades that the water and fat and protein create a uniformly smooth texture.” (Note that there are gourmet hot dogs made out of the nicer parts of cows … cheap hot dogs are made from exactly the kind of horrifying things you think they are.) Asking what part of the cow “beef jerky” comes from is like asking what part of Hollywood porn comes from.

Before we get to actual “steak,” we need to review the other pieces of the cow that are sometimes also called “steak” but are sometimes best left for industrial solvents or Taco Bell.

Chuck – this is the shoulder of the cow, which is very muscular and typically not used for finer cuts. On the positive side, it has a lot of collagen connective tissue which melts into the meat and tastes good when slow-cooked. “Blade roast” is cheap but more tender than “chuck steak,” which is basically a polite way of saying “needs Hamburger Helper.”
Short Plate – comes from the belly of the cow. Even the website for the National Cattlemen’s Beef Association describes it as “best used for stew meat.” Speculate as you wish.
Flank Steak – the flank is next to the Short Plate, and isn’t much better. As “skirt steak,” it has recently come into prominence through its use in fajitas, which makes it sound “authentic” and cool but really it’s made of the cow’s diaphragm muscle and was made into fajitas because cowboys couldn’t afford anything better.
Round – let’s not mince words, it’s the cow’s butt. The meat is lean and is available as “top round” (more tender) or “rump roast.” It’s typically used for pot roasts or other dishes where the beef is cooked in such a way to add tenderness or other flavors.
Shank and Brisket – this comes from the area around the forelegs of the cow. It’s divided into “foreshank,” “brisket first cut” (leaner) or “brisket front cut.” It’s good for slow-cooked barbeque.

Okay, so now we come to the real “steak” cuts. These include:

Rib – comes from the cow’s back, so it’s less muscular and more fatty. Typically found as “rib roast” or “rib steak” (“ribeye” is a bone-in form of rib steak). If you’re in Texas, you may need to suck the marrow out of the ribeye to prove your manhood if you haven’t already killed your own cow. “Prime rib” – generally the fattiest part of the cow – also comes from the back of this section.
Loin – it’s from further on the cow’s back, and because it isn’t “load bearing,” it accumulates more fat and includes some of the tastiest cuts. “Porterhouse” is a tender cut from the front of the loin (the name came from the days when the steak was served at restaurants that also served porter beer). “T-bone” comes from the middle of the short loin and includes the bone. The most tender piece of the loin comes from the back is called variously “filet mignon” (it literally means “small and boneless”), or Tenderloin Steak, Chateaubriand, Tournedos, Medallions or Fillet de Boeuf.

How To Get It Cooked

The secret here is that the more beef is cooked, the less flavor it has. i.e., the more cooked it is, the less one cut of beef will taste any different from another. And, really, what’s a few malformed prions (see “mad cow disease” below) between friends? So if you’re ordering butt steak, go ahead and get it “well done.” Otherwise, you should look at the other options:

Raw – unless you’re getting steak tartare (also see below), you shouldn’t ask for this. Unless you’re in Texas or otherwise just want to take a bite out of a still-living cow.
Blue Rare or Very Rare – the outside is seared but the inside is essentially raw. It’s what you should order if you’re trying to prove the size of your testicles. Unless you’re a woman, in which case this would be remarkably unappealing.
Rare – the outside is gray, and the interior is red and juicy. Watch out for places which will “sear” rare steaks, basically burning the outside and leaving the interior uncooked – this results in an awful taste unless you cut away the seared exterior. A good rare steak is the most flavorful piece of meat that you can find – at a good steakhouse, this is what to order.
Medium Rare – the somewhat safe but definitely tasty choice. This results in a gray exterior and a pink interior; this is the “default setting” for most fine steakhouses.
Medium – your steak will be gray-brown on the outside, and gray to pink on the inside. This is about the highest cooking level you can order and still get some juiciness to the steak.
Medium Well – brown on the outside, gray to pink on the inside. At this point you’ve cooked out most of the taste of the meat and are looking at glorified hamburger.
Well Done – the steak is gray-brown throughout, and possibly a bit tough and dry. If you like your steak well done, then you probably don’t like steak, because a well done filet mignon doesn’t taste much different than Salisbury Steak. But if you're worried about undercooked meat - worry no more.

One more thing